Wednesday, May 17, 2006

understanding 'parent speak'

Given that last Sunday was Mother's Day and Father's Day is not far around the corner, it seems appropriate to offer these definitions used by experienced parents:
amnesia: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have kids again.

defense: what you'd better have around the yard if you're going to let the children play outside.

drooling: how teething babies wash their chins.

feedback: the inevitable result when a baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

full name: what you call your child when you're mad at him.

grandparents: the people who think your children are perfect even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

hearsay: what toddlers do when anyone mutters a bad word.

independent: how we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

look out!: what it's too late for your child to do by the time you scream it.

owww!: the first word spoken by children with older siblings.

prenatal: when your life was still somewhat your own.

puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

show off: a child who is more talented than yours.

sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

storeroom: the distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can't quite reach anything. temper tantrums: what you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children.

top bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

two minute warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

whoops: an exclamation that translates roughly into "get a mop."